To Be Unforgettable-My Growing Love Story

Caitlyn set a book in my bag Sunday evening. "If You Find This Letter" a memoir by Hannah Brencher.  When I asked her what it was about, the only thing she said was, "just read it". Apparently that was good enough for me. As I am not much of a reader (or re-reader as a perfect man once told me Nabokov said), it usually takes a little more convincing to get me to sit still. 

About 15 minutes in I read this: "ALONE. The word crashed into me.  I was left with nothing more to say.  He was telling me something I already knew.  And finally saying good-bye was releasing the fears that lived behind the word, tipping over and pouring out: I am afraid to leave.  I am afraid to change.  I am afraid to go alone.  I am afraid you will forget me.  I am afraid to find out I am the forgettable type.  But maybe that is why some people walk into your life- to tip you over and pour you out. Maybe some people storm into your life just to tell you they're not supposed to be there.  That you can't take them or anyone with you wherever you're going next.  Maybe not every person we encounter is a love story.  Maybe some are wake-up calls". 

There are very few things that I fear, except for reptiles, and being forgotten.  The worst part: I didn't realize I was even afraid of being forgotten until I read this paragraph last night. It left that painful pit in my stomach.  I actually stopped reading and put my memory cap on. Dangerous.  I made a list of every person that has touched my life. I dug up the memories. I did'n't sleep. I am not afraid of change. I am not afraid to leave. I am certainly not afraid to go alone. Alone is my middle name. It is rather appalling how much I actually enjoy it. And I know that the people in life come and go.

The thing is, I remember. I don't forget. Perhaps it is my biggest curse. But it never really occurred to me that the majority of the billions of people on this earth do not remember as I do. They forget. They forget people of impact. They forget dates and deadlines, anniversaries, birthdays and memories. They just forget but they never want to be forgotten.

I want to be remembered. I want my people to remember me as I remember them. So here starts my trail of glitter.  Not only do I wish for my quirks to never be forgotten: My love for Batman, my nose-scratching nervous tick at the first sign of anything awkward, my 10-inch scar with 2 solid screws, my obsession with confetti, my hatred of water, my off-key singing and my unbelievable single dance move. I wish for those to be written on my headstone. But really what I hope for is to be a woman that leaves a tiny piece of me everywhere I go, with every single person I meet. I want to be glitter. Seriously, you open a bag of it and you find it years down the road in crevices and jacket pockets. Glitter is impossible to forget- it's everywhere. 

As I sit here planning my next step I realize as much as I enjoy being alone, I can't make an impact that way. Being alone was always my easy way out. I can't be remembered if I don't let anyone in to even try. It is time to let people remember me. I realized that the only person stopping me from being unforgettable is me. It is time to act on expanding my handful- those people that have been scratching at my surface and never left. My growing handful-they are my love story, not my wake-up call. About a month ago I found this new community of amazing individuals. People that live to make a change in others. People that strive to be just a little bit better everyday. These people- they are very hard to forget. They are glitter.  My handful just got bigger. They are here to tip me over and pour me out. I only hope that I can do the same, if just to one person, to ensure I am not the forgettable type. To reverse and erase my biggest fear. 

Stay ferocious my friends.

Until next time,

xx

K