Twenty-Seven

My twenty-seventh year has truly been a year I have looked forward to just shy of  the last two decades. I really don't have a solid reason for this- I wish I did. As a child, I thought twenty-seven was going to bring a hell of a lot more magic. I remember dreaming of reaching this year, everything would just fall into place. Fortunately, I have figured out that life doesn't exactly work that way. But I think at this point perhaps my feet are a little more solidly on the ground, I no longer sweat the small stuff, I finally grew out of my awkward stage (maybe not) and I am fully ready to fill this year with life. When I was younger I just thought my twenty-seventh year would be when so much more was going to happen. I would find even more passion. 

So to live the year I have been waiting for, I will set forth on twenty-seven adventures - big and small. Twenty-seven things that I wish to try, to conquer, to learn or even to re-learn. Here we go. In no particular order:

 1. Climb my very first 14er

 2. Shoot my first bow

 3. Learn how to fly fish

 4. River raft - again. 

 5. SUP successfully

 6. Cliff jump

 7. Float a river (Can you tell I am trying to convince myself water isn't so bad)

 8. Commit to cooking more or even at all (this is serious)

 9. Dance regularly again

10. Go camping (for the 4th time)

11. Paint the things I said I wanted to paint years ago

12. Read the Batman comics

13. Find a worthy cause close to MY heart. 

14. Read more in German

15. Surprise someone

16. Weld something for myself

17. Karaoke in America

18. Participate in a friendly scavenger hunt

19. Successfully hold a headstand

20. Hold a headstand on the top of a mountain (Channeling Nancy)

21. 5 minute journal consistently

22. Perfect my billiards skills again

23. Mentor and be mentored 

24. Write more poetry

25. See a sloth

26. Finally go to the aquarium

27. Dream bigger

Realistically, I should have started on this ages ago. I should have started this when I could legibly write everything down. This is not because I believe I haven't had a full life already. I have had the best life. I am just going to be more conscious of it. I want to continue to celebrate accomplishments, regardless of how small or challenging they are. I am going to make more things happen for myself. And that starts with this small list. I might be entirely naive, perhaps this is just plain silly. But life, at least my life, should consist of more new adventures, more failures, more trial and errors, wreaking havoc and a hell of a lot less sitting still. 

Stay ferocious my friends.

xx,

K

I'll be seeing you, friend

When you lose someone, a piece of your heart detaches. It goes black, it turns to ice. I have done this time and time again. I have lost friends, loved ones, family; but not once have I experienced a heart break quite like this.When a piece of your life lifts, the reaction is to fill it with something different. But how do you replace laughter? How do you replace so much light that one person left? The thing I am beginning to figure out is to not replace it, but to live it.

It has been heavy on my heart. Heavier than I could have ever even imagined. Honestly, I have not yet wrapped my thoughts around such a tragedy - losing Stefan. How does this happen to a world who needs his humor,  a community that needs his support, a friend group that needs his laugh  - to two of the most faithful parents? It is not a thing I have learned to live with quite yet. It has been seventeen years of memories. Seventeen years full of so much love, of laughter, of tears, water fights, impersonations, adventures and lessons. All of those years filled with a life I would have never fallen into had it not been for Stefan and his entire family.

Stefan had an incredible story to tell. He accomplished the amount of milestones that dozens of people could probably only dream of in his short 29 years of life. And even after being gone, or perhaps especially after being taken away, he has me thinking - What is the story I want to tell? Not the story I should tell or the story I have been cast in these last few years. Somehow I let myself get lost. I took a detour from the dream I had all of those years ago. For the last several years, unconsciously, I let someone else write it all for me. I felt like this silly pawn and the writer pulled the direction of my strings. Sure, I was a part of something, a beautiful masterpiece. But I wasn't the writer, I was the puppet.

This true tragedy - it re-railed my tracks. It set those dreams back into my reality. Everything that I wanted seventeen years ago - I still want all of that today. I just lost sight of it for a little bit. Stefan and I, we had similar dreams. Stefan had a clear vision, a direct path. He was always the best person for the job. Everything he dove into, he did it wholeheartedly. You simply can't replace the imprint he left in this world, all I can do is honor him by living my vision daily.

Stefan wore his heart on his sleeve. He led a life of no doubt or anger. A life filled with so much joy, hilarity, and more love than you could have ever imagined. And with saying that and learning to live more of the life he led, I must remind all of those whom I love that you are incredibly important. My heart is so full for each of you and I wouldn't be where I am or love my life as much as I do if it were not for every single one of you. You know who you are.

And those dreams, the dreams I set out to live all of those years ago - They are back in focus. And I have no idea what that means, or where I might go from here, or how to accomplish them; but the good news is I'll know when I get there. This great loss, as entirely tragic and horrible as it is, has helped to reawaken my desire to live my story, love my people, and continue to grow and learn. I will do this for me but also to honor Stefan and the life he lived and the gifts he gave me. How lucky am I to be honored with that?

Stay ferocious my friends. 

xx

K

Change Your Mind

What Do You Want?

About a month ago I sat in a beautiful basement full of jazz sounds and endless wine pours with my best friend. I have been feeling anxious and completely unsettled in the last few months. It is not an unfamiliar feeling by any means but I knew I needed help this time breaking through the barriers. I needed another open perspective who has already battled through similar situations. The first thing she asked me was, "What do you want?" What do I want? What. Do. I. Want?

The answer I wanted to give was, "Fuck if I know". But she stared me down because she knew I had the real answer at the tip of my tongue. She knew I am entirely too good at brushing those emotions aside to spit out any generic answer that will allow me to bypass even deeper digging. She KNOWS me better than I know myself. How lucky am I to have a person like that?

What I wanted to do was completely uproot my life. I wanted to love the impossible. I wanted to put myself into infamous unfamiliar territory to live a life that was going to be so messy. It was going to be a constant knot of tangled innards and an always wondering heart. It's a terrible thing to love a person such as this. But as painful as it was on a daily basis I loved being in love. It was a twist of complete burning pain and so much euphoria funneling down all at once. It was incredible. And I wanted that feeling to last forever. I had made a decision that I was okay with feeling that blissful numbness for as long as I could because it was worth it. All of the bad parts (and there were so many) were worth it.

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I'll See You In Minutes

Nancy and Jordan have this relationship that any reasonable human would be envious of. Their story has the most jagged edges, difficult peaks to climb and cement walls to boulder through. Yet all at the same time their love story is counterbalanced by the most fun I have ever seen two people have. These two live life on their terms. They play on front loaders, buy beat up trucks, let chickens roam the house (sometimes), and live a majority of their life outdoors doing whatever the fuck they feel like doing. I love that. I love their partnership. I have watched them tackle so many obstacles together in the short time they have been one. Their love story is one to live up to. The alliance they share is one I take notes on. Because I have watched both of them change their minds endlessly. But as many times as their paths have diverged they always, always will see each other in minutes. I say that because that is what they say every single time one leaves the other. Those are simple words that possess a deeper meaning. I love the back story to that saying. It carries mostly humor and a hell of a lot of love.
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I wanted to dig into their unity because this week they taught me a lesson. And that is: I can change my mind. I can change my mind as many times as I feel like it. And that is okay. I forgot I had the capacity to do something different, to feel something other than numb. I was stuck in what I thought I wanted. And what I thought I wanted would have been a wonderful love story. It would have been so imperfect but so beautiful. Although, in all of that beauty I would have given up on huge decisions that I am not entirely sure I really am ready to let go of. The possibility of children and marriage and stability flew right out the door when I decided to enter into this state of hectic endearment. For a while, I was okay with that. I was so dizzied by this feeling I have never fully felt before. Giving up on other dreams that have crept through my mind was entirely fine. And then it wasn't in a blink of an eye. It just wasn't okay anymore. It was that simple to change my mind on Sunday when I was sitting in the same basement with even more endless wine pours and the soulful sound of a piano. Nancy asked me again what I wanted. I actually forgot that I had an option to change my mind from the dizziness I loved to feel and then suddenly didn't.

And although the altering of my mind did not result in a love story like Jordan and Nancy have, I must offer appreciation to them for reminding me that my mind can wander. I can uproot my brain and wreak a little havoc elsewhere. My mind can change or stay the same. It can evolve in one direction and then back flip into a new sideways galaxy. I can do whatever I want and make decisions and then do something entirely different. In life, in love, I get to do as I choose.

Until next time, stay ferocious my friends. And maybe change your mind.

Xx
Kelsey

Fierce Factor Update

I am unleashing the beautiful monster.

2016 was filled with all sorts of fierce moments. I made some incredibly hard decisions, I lost some soldiers, I met some charming friends, I traveled, I overcame several fears and I loved hard. Like, REALLY hard.

With living fiercely through 2016 I only plan on bouldering through 2017 with not one, but two words: Wreak Havoc.

Of course not in the sense of complete destruction. I just plan on kicking up a little dust, stirring up a little commotion and uncaging my beautiful monster. I won't be hiding any of my foibles, my fuck-ups or my shortcomings. In fact, I will lead with all of them.

Last year I worked on fiercely communicating my feelings - especially the really tough ones. It was most likely my biggest challenge thus far. And with some, I succeeded - I passed with flying colors. But with others, I left our relationship ropes completely untied, loosely dangling with zero explanation. I thought it might have been easier to just abruptly erase myself but I will say that I fully regret avoiding the blow-out fights, the tough words, the ugly cries...the truth.

2017 will unleash my monster. I am running into this year with complete comfort in my own skin. I have come to the realization that some days I have an incredibly short fuse, sometimes my emotions run high and my patience is sparse. I will continue to not be perfect, publicly. I will make no apologies - I will be the bad parts of me, too.

This year I will wreak havoc. I will think for myself more, dilute my shyness, speak my thoughts, dive head first into new experiences, be reckless, be passionate, be relevant and at times learn to just be still in my chaos. Because don't you have to be a little destructive, a little bit rebellious, to let the inner monster fight through all the mayhem?

Until next time, stay ferocious my friends.

Xx

K

Embrace Your Inner Tigress

Every year I hit this day and like so many other people I wonder how 365 days flew by in a flash. This year was filled with so much excitement, so many changes and always the best lessons.

Instead of New Years resolutions Caitlyn and I pick words. Words to live by, words to challenge us, words that grow us.  My word for 2014 was Trust. That was a huge year for me. I went into the year believing I needed to learn to trust the ones I surround myself with. In turn I ended up realizing I had to figure out how to trust myself. At the beginning of 2015 I did not pick one little word.  I was sincerely feeling so rebellious that I thought a word would restrict me. As I came down off my high horse I thought maybe not picking a word was the best thing for me this year. Instead of focusing on how to trust others or learn to be vulnerable or push myself to do things that I may not have been ready for, I could just focus on me. And that is exactly what I did. I was all parts of me - the good, bad and the ugly. I was raw with myself. I surprised myself with new hurtles and emotions and I learned how to leap over them alone.  So now I am entirely ready to be me with everyone else.

2016 will be all kinds of fierce.

Years ago a man deemed me ferocious. And I couldn't quite grasp that considering I was absolutely the farthest thing from it. Even though I never saw the ferocious side that he spoke of, I hoped he pictured me as this tigress - this sort of alter ego that I could only dream of living up to one day. In my mind - that is exactly who I want to be. If he saw my strength then there had to be a way for me to  embrace my inner tigress and let it show a little more often.

During a game several weeks ago one of my truest friends had to describe several of us with one word each. Fierce poured out of his mouth with such ease for me. Again, it baffled me that another person sees something that I am completely blind to. But it was so simple - my word was just handed to me for this upcoming year. I am not talking Tyra Banks sort of fierce with her pretty little smise. I am talking all sorts of rebellious, badass, tough fierceness. I will continue to surprise myself this year. I will attack 2016 with immense passion.

This is the year I quit solely writing about opening my heart and truly let people experience my rawness - my realness. This is the time for me to attack every aspect of my incredible journey with so much badassery and intensity. I will not always behave, I will let my wild run free. I will break away from tame. This is my year - my fierce, ferocious 365 days.

I hope each of you attack 2016 with a new dream. Happy New Year.

Stay ferocious my friends,

xx

K

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

One bite at a time.

I ask myself this question every single day: How could someone who leads her life with love still be so hollow?

About a year ago I wrote, To Get Back On Track, Try Derailing First. I felt so unsettled. My feet were a thousand miles from being planted on the ground. And I dove right into a comfort that just shattered my heart for the third time. You would think a girl would learn. I am here to tell you...I still haven't. Apparently I am fueled by torture.  Maybe we all are. How dark and artistic of me.

This is the year I move forward. I am taking my first bite of the elephant. I am making myself full on the inside. One bite at a time. This is my year.

Here comes the kicker....The big bite I must gulp down before I can breathe and enjoy the juicy, fatty, delicious parts of my elephant. I am going to need to be a little more selfish. Selfish in the sense that I share. That's right. Share myself, not my services or talents but what makes up the inside of me. Because the more I think about it the more I realized that the ones I consider my closest friends, the ones I so happily surround my life with, know so little about me. Actually they know pretty close to nothing. And that is my fault. I do not allow anyone within an arms reach of my heart, my secrets, but I let myself dive right in and sink into their lives - maybe just so I feel as if I am a part of something. But I am not really. Anytime one attempts to dig into my soul I shut down. My swollen heart freezes, and lately to those closest to me, I have been the farthest thing from the real me. I second guess every move with the fear that I am only in their lives because I placed myself there - not because I am honestly needed.

That has to change. I have no choice. This bite: talking - communicating - sharing my real heart - it's going to be as difficult as it was for me to force down peas as a wild child. But if I remember correctly, once I finished my peas I was almost always rewarded with some stellar dessert - the delicious part of my elephant - the part that makes me the most whole, full, and so real, not to mention - completely satisfied.

This sounds absolutely needy of me. I believe I am entirely crazy to be sharing my locked in feeling of emptiness and my biggest insecurity.  But on this journey I continue to learn more about myself... more things that I can't stand and wish to change. I think maybe that is the whole point to this blogging thing - to uncover the ugliest parts of me and embrace them with the most bad ass makeover.

This is only my first bite of the elephant. One that I know I must chew on thoroughly before the second bite can intensify my growth. I'll get there. And I can only hope that part of the elephant is as good as my grandmother's chocolate cake. So do me a favor - make me tell you a secret - make me an open book - further my journey to bad ass - help me eat the elephant.



Until next time,

Stay ferocious my friends!

xx

K.

To Be Unforgettable-My Growing Love Story

Caitlyn set a book in my bag Sunday evening. "If You Find This Letter" a memoir by Hannah Brencher.  When I asked her what it was about, the only thing she said was, "just read it". Apparently that was good enough for me. As I am not much of a reader (or re-reader as a perfect man once told me Nabokov said), it usually takes a little more convincing to get me to sit still. 

About 15 minutes in I read this: "ALONE. The word crashed into me.  I was left with nothing more to say.  He was telling me something I already knew.  And finally saying good-bye was releasing the fears that lived behind the word, tipping over and pouring out: I am afraid to leave.  I am afraid to change.  I am afraid to go alone.  I am afraid you will forget me.  I am afraid to find out I am the forgettable type.  But maybe that is why some people walk into your life- to tip you over and pour you out. Maybe some people storm into your life just to tell you they're not supposed to be there.  That you can't take them or anyone with you wherever you're going next.  Maybe not every person we encounter is a love story.  Maybe some are wake-up calls". 

There are very few things that I fear, except for reptiles, and being forgotten.  The worst part: I didn't realize I was even afraid of being forgotten until I read this paragraph last night. It left that painful pit in my stomach.  I actually stopped reading and put my memory cap on. Dangerous.  I made a list of every person that has touched my life. I dug up the memories. I did'n't sleep. I am not afraid of change. I am not afraid to leave. I am certainly not afraid to go alone. Alone is my middle name. It is rather appalling how much I actually enjoy it. And I know that the people in life come and go.

The thing is, I remember. I don't forget. Perhaps it is my biggest curse. But it never really occurred to me that the majority of the billions of people on this earth do not remember as I do. They forget. They forget people of impact. They forget dates and deadlines, anniversaries, birthdays and memories. They just forget but they never want to be forgotten.

I want to be remembered. I want my people to remember me as I remember them. So here starts my trail of glitter.  Not only do I wish for my quirks to never be forgotten: My love for Batman, my nose-scratching nervous tick at the first sign of anything awkward, my 10-inch scar with 2 solid screws, my obsession with confetti, my hatred of water, my off-key singing and my unbelievable single dance move. I wish for those to be written on my headstone. But really what I hope for is to be a woman that leaves a tiny piece of me everywhere I go, with every single person I meet. I want to be glitter. Seriously, you open a bag of it and you find it years down the road in crevices and jacket pockets. Glitter is impossible to forget- it's everywhere. 

As I sit here planning my next step I realize as much as I enjoy being alone, I can't make an impact that way. Being alone was always my easy way out. I can't be remembered if I don't let anyone in to even try. It is time to let people remember me. I realized that the only person stopping me from being unforgettable is me. It is time to act on expanding my handful- those people that have been scratching at my surface and never left. My growing handful-they are my love story, not my wake-up call. About a month ago I found this new community of amazing individuals. People that live to make a change in others. People that strive to be just a little bit better everyday. These people- they are very hard to forget. They are glitter.  My handful just got bigger. They are here to tip me over and pour me out. I only hope that I can do the same, if just to one person, to ensure I am not the forgettable type. To reverse and erase my biggest fear. 

Stay ferocious my friends.

Until next time,

xx

K