It is December 31st once again. Time truly does just fly right by if you do not pay attention.
I spent a large fraction of this year not paying attention to my surroundings, but dreaming of polar opposite ones. Once I settled back into reality things started falling into place again. That included a majority of presence in my life to fall entirely out of place before settling back in, or being ousted completely.
A year ago today was the very first time I ever wrote down my feelings....publicly. It marked the very first blog post and it's actually quite spectacular how far I have come in these last 365 days. And then all at the same time I sort of think, maybe I haven't?
I want to talk about my one little word of 2014, and I will get there. But first, I wrote about my fear of Vulnerability and my plans on knocking down that concrete wall that guarded my life from the heartbreak of the real world.
I went to dinner last Monday with the three people that have proven to be my strongest soldiers here in Denver this past year. We spoke of our three biggest highlights of 2014. My very first one was this wall that I have knocked down. By no means did I conquer this concrete wall into thin air. No. But now it is merely a tiny little fence. A hop-able fence. My fear of vulnerability no longer leaves me physically shaking with a blank stare behind my eyes.
Yes, in order to reach this point, I may have had a blow out altercation with my biggest solider and left her at a restaurant opening on one of the coldest nights in Denver. (I went back for her). I have to thank Caitlyn for breaking down this wall. She kicked it repeatedly. I guess that is what I needed in order to face my fear of vulnerability; a nice, big punch to the gut and to stand in front of my biggest judge, protector, and queen of all sparkle and then break down to the point of physical pain. Apparently at some point, we all have to go through that. Maybe, I am just saying that to make myself feel better. Regardless, it happened and now I am stronger than I have ever been. I know I am. And that is a pretty remarkable feeling.
Now for my one little word. Trust.
I chose this word because ultimately I trusted too many of the wrong people and I trusted absolutely no one all at once. You may now be just as confused as I was a year ago. I needed to find common ground. I needed to learn how to trust again.
What I realized is that I needed to figure out how to trust myself first. I am my biggest obstacle, monster, shackle, cheerleader, motivator and soldier. I had to learn how to let the good parts of me outweigh the bad. Once I could trust myself to shine was when I could start trusting others.
This actually brought me quite a bit of heartbreak this year. Realizing the people I have put the most effort into were not exactly the same people I could trust anymore was heart shattering. Whoever says people don't change only says that to guard their own heart, to lay the blame on everyone else. People do change. And as much as they can change for the better, they can also outgrow who they once were to you. The effort does not bond the trust. The trust was gone...and so were they.
I lost some soldiers. But I never really found it necessary to find new ones. Instead, I worked at the relationships with my few that I had left. I reconnected with someone who has always been lurking in the shadows, has always picked me up when I fall, and completely saved my life 5 years ago. A fellow soldier that I love to hate and absolutely love to love all at the same time. A man who has continued to challenge me and always leaves me with a smile. Even on the days when our distaste for each other outweighed our love. Effort for those people, trust for soldiers like him, That is what matters. I found trust in my insanely strong army and in myself. I am no longer merely surviving but I am living. I have them to thank.
So happy almost 2015 to all of you. May you all find as much joy as I did this year, and continue to strengthen relationships with those mad people, the ones with as much desire and thirst for the world.
Stay ferocious my friends.
Until next time,
xx
K
