Sometimes it is the simplest of words that make for the most compound thoughts and actions.
It is time for the word of 2014. My word. My action. Trust.
Easy right? Ha.
Last year, my word was patience. It was perfect, I had just graduated college and had no idea what was next. I did not even really have a direction of where to go or what I wanted to do with a German and International Relations degree. Nothing, actually. I did not want to do anything with it, I wanted to go in a completely new direction. I just did not know what it was yet. So I needed patience. Patience to figure out what that path was. Patience in knowing that the right things would come to me, that the right people would come and remain in my life and the wrong ones would gracefully part.
This year, I am a little more settled. I have a path. I am in a new place with a job I love more than I could have ever imagined. But that is it. I have a job. And as I settle into that more and more each day, it is time to find more. I want to find more people that challenge me and do things I have never even thought of trying. I have to trust that what I am doing at this very moment is right. Because sometimes I forget that I am okay.
I admire my sister more than I often can express. The word of the year is something I took from her. She finds these little things that allow her to be a better person every day. I like that. She pushes herself while for so long I sat, content with where I was, and I let a lot of beautiful people and things pass me by. But not anymore, this year I will no longer sit and watch but I will get involved and open my heart a lot more. I do not have a whole lot of certainty in what I am doing. I sort of feel like the blind leading the blind, but at least I will have solidarity in my word. Trust will allow me to remember the path I am currently on, even if I still have no idea where I am going.
I have to trust that I am enough. Something that maybe all of us need to work on a little more.
I have to trust that when I work so hard to make things happen, and they don't, or it takes a little bit longer to achieve a goal, that there is a reason. And maybe that reason is not jumping out at me in big sparkly, obvious letters, but is a little more subtle. I have to trust that when something drastically takes a left turn, that it is not wrong, I did not fail. There is just something better that I have not yet discovered.
I have to trust what people say is exactly what they mean. I do a fantastic job of reading between the lines when there are not exactly lines to read between. I either completely spin context, or I just do not believe that they could possibly care or want me around. What they say is what they mean. I have to believe them. This might be the hardest thing for me. I just do not understand it. I sometimes think I am an inconvenience. Why would anyone take the time on me? One of my dearest friends asked me why I care so much about him back in November. I have a million reasons wrapped into one, I just do. So why is it so hard for me to trust that people can reciprocate that exact feeling? I have to trust when people say they care and act like they care, that they probably do. I have to trust that I am not, actually, an inconvenience and when people show up it is because they actually want to and not because they feel like they have to.
I have to take more risks. I have to be a little more messy. I also have to say more of what I mean and not tiptoe around with what people want to hear. While doing all of this, I have to trust that I will be okay at the end of it. I have to trust that I am loved because of who I am, and not because of the people I surround myself with or the things that used to define my past. I have to trust that the opportunities presented now will build off of the previous ones and mold me into someone even more spectacular.
If I can jump off a cliff and trust that a tiny bungee cord is going to keep me from turning into a pile of mush on the rocks at the bottom of the river; I can trust that I am who I am supposed to be, I am doing exactly what I am meant to be doing right now. I can trust that people who say they love me actually do, and that I will, in fact, be quite alright at the end of every left turn or bump in the road. Because it is the bumps and dings and bruises that build character. I have to stop living my life in 1st gear and shift it up to 5th. I have to trust in that adventure and know that it will be one hell of a ride.
Until next time,
xx
Kelsey
