One bite at a time.
I ask myself this question every single day: How could someone who leads her life with love still be so hollow?
About a year ago I wrote, To Get Back On Track, Try Derailing First. I felt so unsettled. My feet were a thousand miles from being planted on the ground. And I dove right into a comfort that just shattered my heart for the third time. You would think a girl would learn. I am here to tell you...I still haven't. Apparently I am fueled by torture. Maybe we all are. How dark and artistic of me.
This is the year I move forward. I am taking my first bite of the elephant. I am making myself full on the inside. One bite at a time. This is my year.
Here comes the kicker....The big bite I must gulp down before I can breathe and enjoy the juicy, fatty, delicious parts of my elephant. I am going to need to be a little more selfish. Selfish in the sense that I share. That's right. Share myself, not my services or talents but what makes up the inside of me. Because the more I think about it the more I realized that the ones I consider my closest friends, the ones I so happily surround my life with, know so little about me. Actually they know pretty close to nothing. And that is my fault. I do not allow anyone within an arms reach of my heart, my secrets, but I let myself dive right in and sink into their lives - maybe just so I feel as if I am a part of something. But I am not really. Anytime one attempts to dig into my soul I shut down. My swollen heart freezes, and lately to those closest to me, I have been the farthest thing from the real me. I second guess every move with the fear that I am only in their lives because I placed myself there - not because I am honestly needed.
That has to change. I have no choice. This bite: talking - communicating - sharing my real heart - it's going to be as difficult as it was for me to force down peas as a wild child. But if I remember correctly, once I finished my peas I was almost always rewarded with some stellar dessert - the delicious part of my elephant - the part that makes me the most whole, full, and so real, not to mention - completely satisfied.
This sounds absolutely needy of me. I believe I am entirely crazy to be sharing my locked in feeling of emptiness and my biggest insecurity. But on this journey I continue to learn more about myself... more things that I can't stand and wish to change. I think maybe that is the whole point to this blogging thing - to uncover the ugliest parts of me and embrace them with the most bad ass makeover.
This is only my first bite of the elephant. One that I know I must chew on thoroughly before the second bite can intensify my growth. I'll get there. And I can only hope that part of the elephant is as good as my grandmother's chocolate cake. So do me a favor - make me tell you a secret - make me an open book - further my journey to bad ass - help me eat the elephant.
Until next time,
Stay ferocious my friends!
xx
K.
