When you lose someone, a piece of your heart detaches. It goes black, it turns to ice. I have done this time and time again. I have lost friends, loved ones, family; but not once have I experienced a heart break quite like this.When a piece of your life lifts, the reaction is to fill it with something different. But how do you replace laughter? How do you replace so much light that one person left? The thing I am beginning to figure out is to not replace it, but to live it.
It has been heavy on my heart. Heavier than I could have ever even imagined. Honestly, I have not yet wrapped my thoughts around such a tragedy - losing Stefan. How does this happen to a world who needs his humor, a community that needs his support, a friend group that needs his laugh - to two of the most faithful parents? It is not a thing I have learned to live with quite yet. It has been seventeen years of memories. Seventeen years full of so much love, of laughter, of tears, water fights, impersonations, adventures and lessons. All of those years filled with a life I would have never fallen into had it not been for Stefan and his entire family.
Stefan had an incredible story to tell. He accomplished the amount of milestones that dozens of people could probably only dream of in his short 29 years of life. And even after being gone, or perhaps especially after being taken away, he has me thinking - What is the story I want to tell? Not the story I should tell or the story I have been cast in these last few years. Somehow I let myself get lost. I took a detour from the dream I had all of those years ago. For the last several years, unconsciously, I let someone else write it all for me. I felt like this silly pawn and the writer pulled the direction of my strings. Sure, I was a part of something, a beautiful masterpiece. But I wasn't the writer, I was the puppet.
This true tragedy - it re-railed my tracks. It set those dreams back into my reality. Everything that I wanted seventeen years ago - I still want all of that today. I just lost sight of it for a little bit. Stefan and I, we had similar dreams. Stefan had a clear vision, a direct path. He was always the best person for the job. Everything he dove into, he did it wholeheartedly. You simply can't replace the imprint he left in this world, all I can do is honor him by living my vision daily.
Stefan wore his heart on his sleeve. He led a life of no doubt or anger. A life filled with so much joy, hilarity, and more love than you could have ever imagined. And with saying that and learning to live more of the life he led, I must remind all of those whom I love that you are incredibly important. My heart is so full for each of you and I wouldn't be where I am or love my life as much as I do if it were not for every single one of you. You know who you are.
And those dreams, the dreams I set out to live all of those years ago - They are back in focus. And I have no idea what that means, or where I might go from here, or how to accomplish them; but the good news is I'll know when I get there. This great loss, as entirely tragic and horrible as it is, has helped to reawaken my desire to live my story, love my people, and continue to grow and learn. I will do this for me but also to honor Stefan and the life he lived and the gifts he gave me. How lucky am I to be honored with that?
Stay ferocious my friends.
xx
K
