About a month ago I sat in a beautiful basement full of jazz sounds and endless wine pours with my best friend. I have been feeling anxious and completely unsettled in the last few months. It is not an unfamiliar feeling by any means but I knew I needed help this time breaking through the barriers. I needed another open perspective who has already battled through similar situations. The first thing she asked me was, "What do you want?" What do I want? What. Do. I. Want?
The answer I wanted to give was, "Fuck if I know". But she stared me down because she knew I had the real answer at the tip of my tongue. She knew I am entirely too good at brushing those emotions aside to spit out any generic answer that will allow me to bypass even deeper digging. She KNOWS me better than I know myself. How lucky am I to have a person like that?
What I wanted to do was completely uproot my life. I wanted to love the impossible. I wanted to put myself into infamous unfamiliar territory to live a life that was going to be so messy. It was going to be a constant knot of tangled innards and an always wondering heart. It's a terrible thing to love a person such as this. But as painful as it was on a daily basis I loved being in love. It was a twist of complete burning pain and so much euphoria funneling down all at once. It was incredible. And I wanted that feeling to last forever. I had made a decision that I was okay with feeling that blissful numbness for as long as I could because it was worth it. All of the bad parts (and there were so many) were worth it.
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I'll See You In Minutes
Nancy and Jordan have this relationship that any reasonable human would be envious of. Their story has the most jagged edges, difficult peaks to climb and cement walls to boulder through. Yet all at the same time their love story is counterbalanced by the most fun I have ever seen two people have. These two live life on their terms. They play on front loaders, buy beat up trucks, let chickens roam the house (sometimes), and live a majority of their life outdoors doing whatever the fuck they feel like doing. I love that. I love their partnership. I have watched them tackle so many obstacles together in the short time they have been one. Their love story is one to live up to. The alliance they share is one I take notes on. Because I have watched both of them change their minds endlessly. But as many times as their paths have diverged they always, always will see each other in minutes. I say that because that is what they say every single time one leaves the other. Those are simple words that possess a deeper meaning. I love the back story to that saying. It carries mostly humor and a hell of a lot of love.
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I wanted to dig into their unity because this week they taught me a lesson. And that is: I can change my mind. I can change my mind as many times as I feel like it. And that is okay. I forgot I had the capacity to do something different, to feel something other than numb. I was stuck in what I thought I wanted. And what I thought I wanted would have been a wonderful love story. It would have been so imperfect but so beautiful. Although, in all of that beauty I would have given up on huge decisions that I am not entirely sure I really am ready to let go of. The possibility of children and marriage and stability flew right out the door when I decided to enter into this state of hectic endearment. For a while, I was okay with that. I was so dizzied by this feeling I have never fully felt before. Giving up on other dreams that have crept through my mind was entirely fine. And then it wasn't in a blink of an eye. It just wasn't okay anymore. It was that simple to change my mind on Sunday when I was sitting in the same basement with even more endless wine pours and the soulful sound of a piano. Nancy asked me again what I wanted. I actually forgot that I had an option to change my mind from the dizziness I loved to feel and then suddenly didn't.
And although the altering of my mind did not result in a love story like Jordan and Nancy have, I must offer appreciation to them for reminding me that my mind can wander. I can uproot my brain and wreak a little havoc elsewhere. My mind can change or stay the same. It can evolve in one direction and then back flip into a new sideways galaxy. I can do whatever I want and make decisions and then do something entirely different. In life, in love, I get to do as I choose.
Until next time, stay ferocious my friends. And maybe change your mind.
Xx
Kelsey
