Smile. And sling a little mud.

Life is a mess. It is full of blurred lines and crossed paths. There are A LOT of things that I do not have the answer to.

I have been asking myself the same question almost every day for the past 6 weeks: Are the boundaries I set  for myself leading me somewhere, or are they keeping me away from something?

I guess you could say I was a pretty straight arrow growing up. I had a great group of friends. I didn't party (with the exception of all the nights in Austria). I was involved in school and outside of school. I had a summer job. I did everything right. I always said the right thing at the right time. There were no questions. I was that girl.

Honestly, I am not quite sure where that life ended and this new life began. Now, I can count, on one hand, those friends that would drop their world to come save mine. I am a Jameson Whiskey connoisseur. And those handful of friends can probably recall at least two instances where the roles were reversed and they were the ones carrying me to my bed. I get to say I have a real job. An awesome one! And now, I do not do everything right. Actually, I do a lot of things wrong. I am well known for saying the wrong thing at the worst time (really, it's a talent) and I have an entire list of unanswered questions. Now, I am that girl. I am a mess. And most days I absolutely love it.

I can no longer relate to the girl I once was. That is becoming less and less scary as days go by. Because I realize it's not a bad thing. I am the person I want to be at this very moment with unlimited room for improvement. And I can certainly say I did not find this girl by following the yellow brick road.

I made a ton of mistakes. Like truck loads of them. I crossed quite a few lines. I have stepped on a few toes (mostly dancing). But from those mistakes, crossed lines, and bruised toes I built relationships, solid ones, I also lost a few too,and I learned about myself. I am no longer afraid to sling a little mud, or splash a little paint. Not everything is pretty and neat. There is always going to be a stain somewhere. Rarely is there any real structure to life at all. This took me over 20 years to figure out. More so, to accept. And I like it.

I love the girl that I continue to grow into. The person that MY handful is molding me into. YOU are the ones that allow me to actually live my messy, beautiful life. I can be real with you few. I can scream into pillows, blacken your t-shirt with my mascara, sing off key in the car, tell you my darkest secret, say I love you and mean it, and most importantly, can just sit in silence and know that all of you love me back.  You all blurred my lines and gave me the power tools to break down those walls. And I really could not be happier with who each of you are to me.

To my Robin- My partner in crime. You get to watch my crazy life unfold from the stage. My favorite thing is that you laugh about it. Which, in turn has allowed for me to laugh at myself and all the ridiculous things I do. I am happy to know I have at least one friend who will sit with me and eat German food until our spandex crime suites rip.

To the hick- You are probably the biggest a**hole I know. And you know it. But you really have seen me at my worst and you loved me anyways. You made me healthy again. You can give me all the grief in the world about the mistakes I have made and you still take a bet on which one I am going to make next. I live to prove you wrong, although mostly, I prove you right.

To the mystery: The fascination I took in you and your work 3 years ago keeps me guessing as to what is next? The love and passion you have shown me only gives me hope. I wish to one day have the capacity to love the way you do. You hold such power with your creativity and you have an entire fan base nation wide that adores you. I am so lucky to know how much you adore me. Your words, written and spoken, allow me to think. They constantly stump me, and I like the challenge.

To my other half- You came rolling in like a freight train off its tracks about a year ago. And I couldn't be more thrilled to be on board. You have taught me more than anyone. Your love and support for me and so many others is unconditional and no one else gets to say they have a best friend like you. I love that you are always there to remind me that my left foot goes in front of my right and you are also there to co-sign every silly thing I do. I love you. Thank you.

To my smile coach- I have nailed it. After months of the smile game, and probably too many shots of whiskey, I am finally someone you aren't ashamed to be in public with (I think). Thank you for pointing out how extremely awkward I am. I can own it now. You gave me confidence, oddly enough. I know the smile thing was just a game to you, but you allowed me to overcome a fear within me that I almost forgot I had. I found comfort. And now it is easier and easier to find that in others. So thank you, to you too.

To the Goof- Your jokes never cease to amaze me. Your questions, your answers, they are all so thoughtful and creative that sometimes I wonder if you are even human. You have been the best person for me. Because even when you lived on the other side of the globe you still knew how to keep things interesting. You tell a good story. You are a good person. You are my go-to when I need a good laugh.

I do not always chose the right words. I do not always meet every expectation. My timing is not always ideal. I spill my coffee, I trip over air. I have split ends. I am so far from perfect. But through living my life with each of you, I have learned to embrace it instead of change it. I love my mess.

I am going to continue to sling a little mud. I am going to live this beautiful mess of a life without attempting to clean the pages because I was put here to tell a story. And you better believe that in between those blurred lines, those pages will be filled with a lot of dirt.

Until Next time,

xx

Kelsey