That one simple word that no one can really avoid.

Wow. 2014 jump starts tomorrow. I guess that means it is time to start something new, to share what I learned in 2013 and to find something to focus on for next year. What better way to wrap up this year than with the song that actually did something for me. (This post is a long one. Maybe too long, but I am learning to share, which is something I could not truly do before. They will get better as I learn how to do this). 

This song gives me that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach. Every. Single. Time. That feeling that some of you may define as love. Except I do not exactly know how to define it, other than to say this is where the spark in my brain came from. This is the one song in my life that never gets old and that brings back only the best memories from this past year. For some reason, this actually dug up some sort of emotion from me which I can honestly (and almost sadly) say rarely happens. 

"She will be free.... She will not be bound by anything that tries to drag her down...All that girl wants to be is loved". 

That brings me to the actual point to this post. Change. But not so much change that I completely morph, just enough to allow myself to be open to new opportunities. Just enough to allow people in. To be able to say what I mean and express the things that matter. I do not do that. Ever.  I think I found my downfall. I like simplicity. I like structure. I like those walls that I built to keep the harsh things out. But I have had it with simplicity. I want passion. I want something that makes me really feel, and think about how I feel. I want a challenge. I want to break down those concrete walls. But really what I want most is to allow myself to be VULNERABLE. Because really, that is the most scary thing of all. That one ridiculous word.

I have a HUGE fear of vulnerability. And I know a lot of people are thinking that it's normal. Fear of feeling vulnerable is normal. But this ration of it is sky rocketing. I only allow people to see the things on the outside. I fill everyone in on the perfect experiences I had growing up. But I do not REALLY show the person that those experiences shaped me to be. Never. Until I came across someone who challenged that. Who was not in complete awe of my childhood filled with adventure and travel, but was more concerned with how those things made me the person that I am. I was faced with my first challenge that I did not know how to overcome instantly. That was scary. Because I did not have an answer. I did not know who I was. I had nothing off the top of my head to define me. I still don't have  a huge thing that does define me. But I have some little ones.

I use that word a lot. "Scary". Which then made me realize I am afraid of a lot of things. Fear is something that I sort of hid in the back of my mind my entire life because it was silly to be scared. But I am. I am scared of so much. I am terrified of not being enough. But fear is the last thing that I want to define me.

So in trying to overcome my fear of vulnerability I have decided to try and find my "thing". Some thing that I can have more passion about than I ever have before. Here are a few little "things" about me that I actually learned about myself this year.

1. I never used to smile. (I technically was told this in late 2012, however I did not start actually working on smiling until 2013). After a very long process of learning to smile at people, it has become a strong habit. I smile all the time now. Mostly because I have a ton to smile about. Now it is sort of my thing. Just a simple thing. 

2. I love everything to do with music. Country music. I do not sing beautifully. I am not instrumentally inclined. I just like listening to it. I like being a part of it and I love the way it makes me actually feel something. Music also gives me that nice tingly feeling on the inside. Cliche? Yes, I know. 

3. I have a mildly strange obsession with Batman. No particular reason other than he is just plain cool. That is enough for me.

4. This is the big one. And actually the one that I want to change. "I can't" somehow made its way back into my vocabulary. As an athlete, I was coached to NEVER say that. I lost that discipline, and in losing that discipline I might have also lost that ability to believe I could. I am working on cutting out, "I can't" entirely from my vocabulary. But that is difficult. So for now, I simply add, "yet" to the end. A little trick that I actually only learned last week. And although it was added at the end of my sentence, "I cannot twerk" by the master of twerking himself, I have really chosen to use it for all of the other "I can't" phrases that seem to come out of my mouth. Because, "I can't.....yet" will eventually turn into a very powerful, "I CAN" if I choose to make it so. (Except for twerking, because lets face it, I do not really want to know how to do that and I also do not entirely know what it is).

These four things that I learned about myself this year are things that very few people know about me. They are not extremely personal but they are about me nonetheless. They do not wholly define me but they are some of the things that make me, me.  And that is what I am trying to do here; allow myself to be the best me by being vulnerable with the few that I care enough to be vulnerable for. This is the start. Because I am beginning to figure out that being vulnerable allows myself to fully be who I am, including even some of the bad parts of me. This vulnerability can set me free (wow), can allow me to love, and can maybe allow me to be loved.   I want to let people in. Really in, so that people can say they know me and mean it. And maybe so I can really get to know myself too, and to know that I am enough, if not for anyone but myself. 

Until next time,

xx

Kelsey